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miss_andraya [userpic]

A year in review

February 15th, 2016 (03:12 pm)

So a year has passed. I have made it a year. It was an anniversary I never wanted.

The week leading up my brain was in over drive. Going over everything. The day of, the days before, the days after, and the year and the firsts. Hindsight is always 20/20 of course. There was nothing I could do. If it wasn't that day it would have been another day. The next day, the next month, the next year. He was not destined to grow old. He had a life that meant he wasn't going to grow old.

I am blessed to have had him in my life for as long as I did. I have been trying hard not to be hard on myself, and some of that will come with time. The If only's will fade with time. I hope that he had a better life having known me. And I know he made me a better person because I knew him. I am a stronger person having known him. I hope that I can leave a legacy behind worthy of him.

I know in the last year I have done a lot of reevaluating of myself, and my life. I have made a lot of changes. Changes of priorities. I have done a lot of growing up. I have never felt more grown up than I do at this very moment. I lost friends, I gained friends, I solidified friendships that I had. And I am much more grateful for the people in my life now. But I am much less tolerant of people than I used to be, but oh so much more tolerant than I ever used to be.

I have boundaries that never existed before, and I enforce them. I have learned the value of my sanctuary. And guard it fiercely. Rob was my protector. He never wanted to see me hurt. Well now I need to be that protector, I don't need anyone to do that for me. I can ask for help, but I don't need anyone to look after me. I can do that myself.

I don't need a relationship. I may find one, one day, but today is not that day. And if and when I do, they will accept me for who I am, and what I am, uncompromisingly. As Rob did. They will not be compared to Rob, because he was Rob, and no one can compare to Rob. They will be who ever they will be.

He will always be a part of me. I will always love him. ALWAYS! But I am moving forward. I am building a life without him. As much as it hurts. He is not a part of my future. He is a part of my thoughts, and I think of him constantly, and I wonder what he would think of the way I'm doing things, but I have to do what I think is best for me. I will never forget him. And I would never do anything to deliberately dishonour him.

This is my life. We are no longer Rob and Meaghan. It is just Meaghan. And I am slowly figuring out who she is. Who she wants to be. Rob's story is over. It was a great story, with a tragic ending. But mine isn't. At the moment it is still a bit of a sad story as I continue to navigate the grief and the mourning. The grief will never go away, it will soften, the mourning will. But I will always grieve for Rob, but I will get to a place where it won't be so intense. I'm still evolving. And I hope I never stop.

miss_andraya [userpic]

Tantrum

December 23rd, 2015 (07:18 am)

Can this all be done? I'm tired of putting on my mask so that I don't ruin anyone else's christmas. I'm tired of trying to be happy. I just want to crawl into a corner until this season is over. All of it. I want to be a complete and utter grinch about it all. but no I have to be cheerful and happy because it makes everyone else uncomfortable to talk about Rob now. And it ruins everyone else's holiday's if I'm not chipper. And it ruins every else's holiday if I'm not there. I've cut back this year. Way back. I get some of what I want. And it is probably a good think I have to fake it some what. but part of me wants to be that petulant 3 year old that gets to have a tantrum. And not the mature adult.

It all fucking sucks. So this is my tantrum. And I'll go back to being an adult.

miss_andraya [userpic]

Solitude

August 11th, 2015 (06:22 am)

It’s odd the things I find triggering and will almost always make me sad and miss Rob. Every Monday night I find it tough. It’s garbage night. And Rob took out the garbage. He did a lot of other chores around the house. He did laundry and dishes and generally kept the house tidy. I did the cleaning. I’m doing all that he did and it’s not a big deal. But for some reason garbage is just one of those things that reminds me of him and hits me in the feels every week, and usually sends me crying

This weekend I started to go through his clothes and gave away some of his casual clothes to a buy nothing group on Facebook. All I had to do was put it in bags on my front porch pick a person and the bags disappeared. I know someone will get some good use out of them. His dress clothes will go to a charity called suits his style that will help men who are ready to enter the workforce get a suit or two some shirts a resume and some interview skills. People have offered to go through his things with me, but for some reason it felt like something I had to do alone. I may take a friend (if people have time) to drive downtown to drop off his professional clothing, so I'm not driving alone. But going through his stuff felt like something I had to do by myself.

I've spent most of my life doing things alone, and surviving alone. It feels strange asking for help with things. I know I should, but I don't. I just do.

I'm also finding people just don't get it. My dad got mad at me this weekend for not having gone through Rob's stuff. I had brought it up because I felt like I was finally ready to do it based on something that came out of my support group about changing my relationship with Rob from one of a physical relationship to one of memory. And my dad was just about ready to go up through my closets. According to him I should have all this stuff done months ago. In reality, it doesn't matter when this gets done, and had it sat there for another 6 months, it still wouldn't have mattered. So now part of me wants to be a 12 year old dig my feet in and not do anything just to spite him. but I'm not, because that isn't good for me, and I was ready before the conversation. But it is none of his damned business. So I feel like I need to start filtering myself around him now, like I do my mother, to protect myself. Fuck!!

I’m finding I’m doing a lot alone. Where maybe I should be more vocal. I’m finding more comfort in being alone lately. I was invited to go camping this weekend and the idea of camping with two families with three kids did not sound terribly appealing. The idea of being with friends is lovely, and I relish the invites I get, but I find myself looking at some of the invites, especially when they are larger groups and asking myself where is the out. Maybe that is the introvert in me, and without Rob, I'm being more protective of myself. I want the out, so that if I get overwhelmed I can leave.

I look at a day like today, it is dark, and rainy, and all I want to do is curl up with my new furniture (it can't get here soon enough) and read and doze all day. I don't want to deal with people. I'm tired. I'm tired of dealing with other people's emotions.

miss_andraya [userpic]

Reflection

August 5th, 2015 (10:18 am)

Yesterday was 6 months since Rob's passing. Tomorrow is his birthday. Last night I went to a support group I've been going to for a while. I go to the loss of spouse group as I don't have a lot of questions surrounding the suicide portion of his death. There was a wonderful gentleman giving a speech, Ian Henderson. He is a speaker on grief. I've heard him speak once before. And he talks about the difference between grieving and mourning. Grieving is what we do internally, mourning is what we do externally. And we need to do both. We need to cry, and sleep and be upset. But we need to talk, we need to talk about the deceased. When we do, and we tell stories it is a way of changing the relationship from one of a physical relationship to a..... memory. I'm not remembering the term correctly. We don't sever the relationship. We just change it, so that we can then move forward.

If we don't mourn and talk, we kind of get stuck. I've heard this talk before, but it was at my first meeting in March. My mind was more of a blur then than it is now.

I'm trying to work through who I am again, and how I fit in everywhere. That isn't easy. My role has changed. I have changed. It isn't good or bad, it just is. I am working out what I need, and how to go about getting those needs fulfilled. And what I don't need, and how to purge that from my life. Asking for help is so hard. Putting a call out on facebook saying I need this, or that, is so hard. It doesn't mean I'm needy, it just means, that there is something I can't do by myself, or that I'm tired of being alone.

And I need to become more comfortable with being alone more. I don't know what I would do without the cats. The sounds in the house.

It is all just so exhausting. He is supposed to be here helping me with this.

miss_andraya [userpic]

Work Woes

July 24th, 2015 (07:43 am)

I hope I have averted more work woes. I had meetings yesterday, one of them with a partner, and my counter part S1. I told the partner that I felt like something was coming down the pipeline, that I was about to be blindsided with something. That S2 and I were not getting along still (they know about this already) and it was getting worse).

S2 is good at her job, she has great attention to detail, and is an asset, but I will not be undermined. I will not be asked by her if "I am the right person to run a lunch and learn, and if the staff will respect me". I will not be nit picked at, and I was supposed to be backing off as her manager, so why in gods name is she coming to me with all these over arching firm relating things like HR policies not being up to snuff, and templates not being the way she likes them, and why am I not going to the tax side of things (I am assurance) and dealing with their templates. That is not my job right now.

The Partner assured me that my job was safe, they had no plans to replace me, I was not going to be blind sided by anything, as far as she knew there was nothing that was going to change. S2 was still going to have to be my back up, but she will get her work from S1, that she gets from me. It is all so confusing and high school like.

I did say that something had to give otherwise something had to give. I liked S2, I liked my job, I liked working here, but right now I dreaded coming into work, and my anxiety was increasing.

The partner thanked me for telling her how I felt. I don't know if anything will change, but the resume is still going to be updated, as will my linkedin, and we will see what will happen.

It seems that after a large life change, everything changes, and a job change isn't out of the ordinary. Leave behind the baggage, leave behind the old you, and start fresh with people that know and accept the new you. If it weren't for S2, I could cope. But I foresee one of us leaving.

On another note, I had a strange dream of having a wonderful day out with a girlfriend, touring downtown, and then meeting a man, who decides to buy me an engagement ring, for when I'm ready to marry him. Not now, not next week, but when I'm ready, he will be there for me.

miss_andraya [userpic]

Work ick

July 22nd, 2015 (07:24 am)

I dreaded coming into work today. S2 and I are still not getting along work wise. I am not her manager anymore but we still have to work together. And I am having a hard time, not managing her, and she is having a hard time not expecting me to solve all her problems. Something will have to give. I may have to say, just do as I ask, and that is it, and if you don't like it tell me, and I won't have you do it. And we will leave it at that. No back and forth no debate, no nothing. It doesn't make for a great work environment, in fact it can make for a pretty toxic environment, but it is pretty toxic right now. I've had to up my anti-anxiety meds just to deal with work.

She just doesn't get that we are admin. Yes we are a very important part of the puzzle here, but our orders come from above, and there are regulations, and standards that come from organizations above us and outside our office that we don't have any control over. She as an english major doesn't like the wording of things that come down to us. And sometimes that is just tough cookies. She wants everything to conform to a certain look, a certain standard, and wants it all to happen NOW! And expects me to step up and make that happen. Well I'm not. Not right now. It isn't on my radar right now. A) my mind set isn't there, B) there are questions as to whether logos are going to change B) partners are changing c) more logos are changing D) different printers are going to be used. There are too many variables right now to be making changes until some decisions get made. And those decisions don't come from me. I have given the people who make the decisions all the information, and now I wait. And there is nothing I can do but wait, and when decisions get made, I start standardizing things because I will have the information needed to be able to create the standardizations.

She also doesn't get that this firm is just not ever going to be what she wants it to be. Too many mistakes have been made along it's growth for it to ever reach it's full potential. The wrong people have been put in the wrong positions, and those people will never leave now, and they have the jobs that an office manager would do, that an HR person would do, so hiring those key people would be moot at that point. But that one person, does not have the skills to be an office manager, or an HR person. But I am supposed to fix this.

I am going to have to remind her, I am NOT her manager right now. I may never be her manager again, let alone stay in this job. I am reconsidering taking that time off and searching for a job. Telling them, that this is part of an old life that I need to move on from and start fresh somewhere else. I would get a good reference from here. I wouldn't burn any bridges. As much as I want to set fire to everything and dance in the light of the flames laughing. I won't. I already feel like I'm doing too much of that.

Okay time to put the mask back on.

miss_andraya [userpic]

Still battling

July 21st, 2015 (06:41 am)

Last night I had a meeting at the gym I joined. It was a health/fitness assessment. I'm taking it all with a grain of salt. They said no running, be careful of the kick boxing classes, watch out for the yoga, stick to walking and light weights. *sigh*. Grain of salt. I've heard it, and considered it, and now I will continue to do what I think my body can handle and I will listen to my body. Yes I know how many pounds of pressure is put through my body running, but it also gets me out of my head and stops me from thinking, gets some of the images that I am sometimes still bombarded with out of my head. So I am not going to stop. I will listen to my body and when things start to ache, or things don't feel right I will stop and tend to what needs tending to.

And no, I am not buying into a year's worth of personal training. Yes I'm sure it will do wonders to get me to my goal, but I don't want someone following me around watching me. I want to be alone in a sea of people right now. If I feel like talking to people I will, I will take a class. If I want to put in head phones and tune out the world I will, I don't want to be obligated to interact with a stranger right now. And it is not in the budget right now. So no personal training. Not even the free one, because there is just going to be more pressure after that one to buy a package. I do have an idea of what to do and how to do it. It works for some, and that is great, it isn't for me.

I made dinner last night. I went grocery shopping on the weekend and bought things that require cooking, not just nuking like pizza pockets, or some such garbage. And I cooked. It is the first time. It felt weird. One little hamburger and some spinach on a tiny plate, all by my self. but I did it. Who would have thought cooking dinner would be such an emotional thing. I cook breakfast for myself every morning. But dinner has been harder, more emotional.

I'm so tired all the time. I've started turning the tv off in the evening. I've become more comfortable in the quiet. I never thought that would happen. And started reading again at night. I'm falling asleep earlier. But I'm still having a hard time getting up in the morning. I'm wondering if it is time to start weaning off the sleeping pills. If they are making it hard to get up in the morning. I am hoping at this point the nightmares are something that would be past me now. I see my Dr. the first week of August. I have a few things to talk to him about. Headaches making a comeback, even with upping my meds, and the rest of the meds I started in February. Maybe it's time to start evaluating how much of them I need now.

Work still sucks. S2 still expects me to fix all of the management woes that exist in the office. They are systemic. They have grown as the office has grown, and the partner's haven't realized that there is a problem. We are at the point we need an office manager, but that won't happen, not with S1 having just taken on payroll and accounts payable. Those are office manager jobs. And they won't take those from her. So what is left for an office manager to do? And I think an office manager will be resented at this point, but they need someone to come in and unite the partners, managers, admin, and staff and be a point of contact and a human resource for all of them. But I don't think that is going to happen without a huge reorg, and a lot of butthurt feelings.

So I keep putting my mask on. Keep repairing the cracks every night, hoping it won't crack again the next day. And as soon as I get to my car at the end of the day let it fall to the ground and fall apart.

miss_andraya [userpic]

Letting it out

July 18th, 2015 (01:51 pm)

I have so much to let out so much to say. I don't think anyone reads this any more, and that is alright.

I keep moving forward. Keep doing what I think I should be doing for the most part ever since Rob died. At times I feel at peace with everything, at times I feel guilty with moving on with my life. And I do have a life. I am doing so much more than I ever did.

I used to join something, or do something, and it wouldn't be Rob's cup of tea, and so I would eventually stop doing it, or he would want me home, and he would miss me, so I would stop doing it. Or would say no because it would be time I could spend time with him. I don't have that now. I can do what ever I want. I catch myself pausing at invites, or at something I could be doing and thinking, what about Rob, I could be spending time with him, or would he want to do this, and then have to remind myself, that no, I don't have to factor that into my decision any more. There is relief, and there is sadness and there is guilt. And it is all so conflicting.

I am ever so grateful for the friends that have stuck around. I feel like I am leaving a wake of hurt behind me. And people are made uncomfortable by me. So they have stopped contacting me, stopped being my friends. Some of this is good. It has weeded out some people that weren't supportive in the first place. Friendships that were only one sided to begin with. But it also hurts. Work has been the worst. Those that have had to see me daily and work with me daily have had the least compassion, and my closest friend there, has taken things the worst. She at one point said she was so glad to see Rob with his issues being able to live with them. And it gave her hope for her own issues. Well, I think the fact that he couldn't live with them, and now me with mine, struggling, is scaring her. And she is now looking to me to buck up and suck it up, and be perfect. And the friendship is cracking. So I am now stepping back. I can't be her rock.

I have met some great people in being more social, and getting out and doing different things.

It is lonely. This house is lonely. But any place would be lonely. I think about moving, but can't bear to leave here. I'm having dreams. Last night was Rob, his dad, his 2 grandfather's, and his mother. Rob and is dad are happy, they are doing well, and are at peace, and wish me the best. They are happy with the way I am handling things. His grandfathers are at peace, and they want me to stay away from his mother, who is not doing well. She was told off, and I think on the edge. His sister was banging on the door, she was not invited to the meeting, and was barred. I think very telling.

I am still so sad. I know I should be. I know this is perfectly normal. I think about Rob all the time. I try to talk about him. And I can without crying. He was so much a part of my life. He was my soul mate. With all his illnesses, and quirks, he made me a better person. He showed me a better way to be. I am trying to tap into that strength. To keep reminding myself of that strength. To keep moving forward, and keep doing things that are good for me.

I am going to keep talking about some of the same things over and over as I work through them. But I hope as I begin to heal, and I am healing, that I will talk about them less and less. I don't want to burn my friends out.

miss_andraya [userpic]

working through it

December 29th, 2013 (09:34 am)

This year can't be over fast enough, not that I am particularly looking forward to 2014.

I was supposed to do dinner for Dad and bro yesterday. Dad called at 7am asking for a ride to the hospital. I didn't hear my phone. I am not used to keeping my phone attached to my hip. He called 5 times, finally called at cab at 8:30 or so, and got himself to the general. He has a fever, and generally feeling unwell. With the chemo, if he has a fever of anything close to 38, he has to go to the hospital. He has also been gaining weight, like 10 lbs in the last week because they can't get his body to let go of the fluid he is holding on to.

When I saw him yesterday morning he looked horrible. They thought he might have had a heart attack. He didn't, but his heart is not functioning, they are calling it heart failure, possibly due to all the fluid he is holding on to. The fluid is putting too much pressure on his heart and lungs for them to function at optimum levels.

They finally decided to admit him for further testing. Make sure his heart is not damaged, and test to see what kind of infection is causing the fever.

He has only had 2 doses of chemo. It is too early for him to have these kind of complications. What is in store later on?

miss_andraya [userpic]

Blech can it be over yet?

December 18th, 2013 (07:31 pm)

I have't posted in forever.

I am not the jolliest of people during the holidays to begin with, but this one is taking the cake.

Dad has been diagnosed with A-L Amyloidosis. In short, blood cancer. That means he is having every organ in his body tested for cancer because the blood circulates through it, and has the potential to affect all the organs. It has affected his Kidneys, that's how they got the diagnosis, his kidneys weren't functioning properly, and his bones. But they are still testing. Today he started his chemo. It is a blessing that he is on pills and 1 injection for now. Later on they may harvest his own stem cells and infuse them into chemo and he may get that as treatment, but that will be at a later date. They say the chemo should be relatively easy on him at this point.

He is frustrated. And I get that. It isn't as simple as prostate cancer, this is what it is, very common, easy to explain, simple words. His doctor is extremely knowledgeable. This is the only thing he treats and researches, the only form of amyloidosis he knows about is A-L amyloidosis. So my dad is in good hands, but he isn't good at talking to lay people. Not to say that any form of cancer isn't scary and doesn't come with it's own scary side, the big C is scary. But it is overwhelming when it takes you 2 appointments to understand you have cancer, because the doctor doesn't use the word cancer, and talks about mylomas and proteins, and amyloids.

We haven't told my mother yet. I am not sure when to tell her or if to tell her. If my dad dies, she gets money from a life insurance policy, and from his pension. She hates him with a passion. I don't know what her reaction will be, and I am not ready to hear her be happy about him being ill. We don't think he is on deaths bed, and is being treated aggressively. I am weighing not telling her and dealing with her wrath later, or telling her now, and dealing with her insensitivity now. I'm not sure which will be worse.

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